Feeling Malice

Lately I’ve been in a “less than” pleasant mood. Most who’ve seen me would agree. I haven’t been sleeping well and have been barely eating at all. Body hasn’t been really happy either. As promised I have a story for you but first I’ll try to explain how I’m feeling now.
This is how I feel - The musical group Malice Mizer has gotten back together for one last show. There was a special contest that had the winner going to the concert for free, front row seats, hang out with the band afterwards, and being in their last music video. This means that the winner would be forever immortalized with Malice Mizer. Now out of all the contestants I’ve won. I get the plane ticket and I fly over to Japan. When I get there it turns out that my ticket is not valid. They won’t let me into the show no matter what. Since I can’t get into the show I will not be allowed to be in the music video either. Somebody tells me that the band Versailles has a concert down the block and they will be having the special guest of Cocco. You know what? I don’t care. I don’t want to see Cocco, Versailles, Slipknot, Metallica, George Carlin, Moi dix Mois, or even 2pac. I want to see Malice Mizer. As much as I like the others, I would give it all up to see Malice Mizer. Though I’m a fan of Moi dix Mois ( it would be similar to going to a Malice Mizer concert) and would love to see one of their concerts, they are no Malice Mizer. I will always listen to Moi dix Mois and try to see their concerts but I’m standing at a Malice Mizer concert. Even if I don’t get in I will always listen to Malice Mizer and follow them no matter what. It would seem that all ways to get in are closed and if I try anything it will probably end badly. Should I stop trying and avoid any hurting anything or anyone, which would mean to stop dreaming as I’ve dreamt of this since I’ve been introduced to them, or shall I try to turn what seems like impossible dreams into reality?
Ok now that that is over with the story. It is called “Steve a Shroom and the Brain Tumor”. This is a story I wrote for my creative writing class. I apologize, I never had it really proofread (though I did get some help) so it is not going to be perfect. I chose this story because, though it seems I was on drugs when I wrote this ( I assure you I was not), it has many meanings to it. Especially now. Though it may seem that everything is random, it probably has a point. I don’t want to write anymore because it is pretty long and you will have enough to read. Enjoy.
Steve a Shroom and the Brain Tumor

I’m not “slow”. I am not “retarded”. No I’m not even “stupid” like they all say. Some say. Sure I’m not the quickest but who is? No one cares to find out “why”, “what”. Nobody cares why I act the way I do, talk the way I do. I do not have a problem like they might think. I have a problem I think. Probably they do think like I think but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t asked “why”. I haven’t asked “why” but not like the way they haven’t asked “why”. It is different. They don’t ask “why” because they think I act “high” or just trying to be some random guy. Most fear to even say “hi” but would like me to say “bye”. I haven’t asked them “why” the same way I haven’t asked her “why”, or even why I don’t say “hi”. I know why I don’t say “hi” though I don’t know why I don’t ask “why”. To say “hi” would enforce the need to ask her “why” but some times asking “why” or saying “hi” is just as good as saying “goodbye”. Saying “hi” would be so nice. Saying “goodbye” would also be nice because it would mean I said “hi”. Why not ask “why”? Why?
She sits under the tree reading a book of blank pages as the sun kisses her softly on the cheek. I could walk over and say “hi”. If things look good I might even ask her “why”. She might ask me “why” though I would be satisfied with just a “hi”. She is a high. Like I said I’m not retarded. I am not slow. Stupid is just a word to label things that we don’t understand. You don’t. It’s just that I have a lot on my mind. Not metaphorical but actually on my mind. Not literal either. In my mind on my mind I got some characters. Characters that are real characters, no acting. They talk to me when I’d rather not and they rather not talk to me in the first place. Something to do, something to say. They say “hey”. I ask them “why”. Why do I not say “hi”? This is what they say…

~*~

“I don’t know why you don’t say hi. But I might know why you don’t ask her why,” said a huge purple mushroom with florescent yellowish green spots and big round bloodshot eyes. The mushroom takes a puff and turns to his friend Steve the bear who is actually a panda and not a bear but we just never mention that fact who was drinking a foaming pint of lager, “What do you think Steve?”
“I think that Doc, The two called me doc as a nickname and I don’t know why, needs to grow some balls and just go over there and say hi. I think I know why he doesn’t say hi but I don’t have the foggiest idea on why he doesn’t ask why,” said Steve the bear as he takes another swig, “ But you know Karl, we could just ask the Doc right now.”
“Good point,” said Karl the mushroom turning around to face me, “ Hey Doc why don’t you ask her why or say even say hi?”
“Well I don’t know. I asked you why but it appears you’re just really high. May I ask why?” I said to Karl as I watched him take another drag. It is amazing how red someone’s eyes can get. He laughs.
“You’re right Doc, I am high. But not on this,” he holds out the joint “ and not on life either. I’m high because you asked why!” Ruckus laughter erupted from Steve and Karl.
“You are one funny shroom my friend. Hey I got an idea,” another draw on the pint “ how about you go over to that pretty little thing, say hi, ask her why, then say good bye. Who knows, she might even talk to you.”
“The bear is right, follow what Steve said and just say hi. Hey, what is the worst that can happen right?” questioned the shroom as he watched a pack of transparent birds fly over his head.
“I don’t know. What is the worst think that can happen?” I asked.
“Let me tell you,” declared Steve standing up and his back legs“ She could ignore you. Or she could take her pen and jab it in your throat mixing ink with blood. She could also say “hi”. NO WAIT! The worst thing she could do to you is,” he finishes the pint, “she could pull out a meat cleaver and begin to rip off your fingernails one by one.”
“Damn it Steve you’re always so negative. Why is it that every time Doc comes to visit I never come to visit you always have to make his questions and problems into a joke?” asked Karl as his temper began to match his eye color.
“So you’re saying what I told him was wrong?”
“Not exactly. I’m just saying you always try to hide the truth from of our friend I’m not too sure I call them friends and skirt around the real predicament? Why do you have to sugar coat everything? You’ve been doing this to him forever. He’s a grown teen now, he can handle it.”
“Well shit Karl I apologize for trying to not scare him. Sure I could have just said she might say “hi”, but getting your fingernails ripped off with a meat cleaver is much less scary. I’m just looking out for his feelings, haven’t you ever heard of a white lie?”
“Yes I have Steve. Remember when they all said he will be just fine?”
“Well I’m sorry for sugar coating. Doc,” Steve turns to me “the worst thing that could happen to you is that she might say “hi”,” Steve turns back towards Karl, “Happy?”
“Of course. Not because I bent your will to fight like the bottle of whisky bent your will,” as he spoke Steve was already working on a new bottle, “but because this grass is greener on this side than the other side for once.” Karl takes a huge drag that finishes the joint and exhales in a cloud of laughter.
“You are so immature Karl,” Steve says threw clenched teeth as he opens the bottle with his teeth. “ Any way you want to put it, our man our? Doc here isn’t getting any action. Figuratively or actually.”
“So why a meat cleaver and not a knife?” I ask.
“Because Doc. Just like his name is Steve, it has to be a meat cleaver because. Or if you want to get to the real reason, not because, just cause” answered Karl.
“Ok I think I’m going to go now. Thanks for the head ache,” I say as I try to back away from the two It is never that easy.
“No problem,” Karl says as he hops over to me “ but before you go I just want you to know that I think you should talk to that chic. Look you don’t have to say hi, bye, or even why. Just slip right in like a smooth criminal and play yo game jack.
“Well Jack isn’t my name and I got no game,” I replied.
“I got a better question. Why the hell do we keep talking like this?” asked Steve as some whisky dribbled down his front.
“Like what?” asked Karl.
“Like we are high in the sky.”
“Because we are high my friend,” replied Karl giggling.
“No, you are high Karl. Me and Steve are not high. Steve might be drunk and I’m just stuck in my head but you, you are high,” I declared.
“I’m sorry Doc but the shroom has got a point, even if he is smoking that joint. Since both him and I live in your mind’s eye, it would be safe to assume that you are also high. Neither him nor I live outside of your inside. But you do. I’m not saying your high on the outside like Karl is in the inside but it is you who made you, Karl, and I. We three, though different by eye, are truly one of a kind. We are all a highly dysfunctional function in your mind that you use to get by ” Steve said matter of factly.
“Ok I think it is safe to say that the bear is buzzed if not plastered. What he meant to say is that all three of us,” Karl makes a gesture at the three of us “ are nothing more than figments of your imagination. That being said, if we are at a substantial substance high or at an alcoholic low, it is because of you. We talk like this because you think like this. Don’t ask me why, just go over to that girl under that tree and just and say hi or even better yet, ask her why.”
“Yeah what he said.” Confirmed Steve. “Or just say hi.”
“Is this going anywhere?” I asked.
“Physically no and emotionally even noer. But mentally, ha ha, we are making leaps and bounds. Follow us to The Field Happy Thoughts,” gestured Karl. Steve jumped onto Karl’s mushroom head and they bounced off towards one of the blue suns in the distance. I followed them and I don’t know why. Maybe I was high.
I looked around and was amazed at all of the colors. Both as near and far as the eye could see, it seemed like a massive orgy of crayons were suddenly massacred and their insides splattered across the land. The sick bastard must have taken pleasure in defiling the bodies because never has there been such beautiful artwork. Though I admit that I’m colorblind and all of this is black and white, I imagine it much different. As we walked Well I walked, Steve was riding on a bouncing Karl we passed a gaggle of seven foot tall butterflies riding on the back of three foot gnomes. They kicked up dust that, once air born, became bubbles of color and danced in the breeze. When one would pop it would leave a splash of color in the air like a welcomed stain. Trees the size of bigger trees dotted the land and I would put money on it that at least one of them had a kick ass tree house in one of them. It was a hot day but that is to be expected with three out of the four suns to be out. I noticed that the time it took us to travel to the field was shorter every time we made this trip due to the ever-expanding bounty of beauty of the field. Spending time with these two was a pain in the ass or rather the head Hard to tell the difference sometimes with all the shit that they both create and I never understood why I kept coming back. Some times I think it would be easier to just die then remain here high.
“Hey guys, why do you call it The Field of Happy Thoughts?” I asked.
“Because tumor sounds terminal,” replied Karl.
“That and this is a place where many of your happy thoughts come from! It is even possible that all three of us come from here. Wouldn’t it be tragic if this beautiful place was gone and so were we?” asked Steve with a horrified look on his face. I’m not sure Steve slowly got off of Karl’s head and rubbed his backside from the rough ride. He stumbled around trying to find his balance.
“Why did you bring me here anyway?” I questioned.
“I’m not even going to bother to point out the fact that it is you who lead us here and that we just seemed like the leaders, but I would like to ask you a question,” said Karl as he licked up some pill shaped rocks. No
“Go ahead,” I replied.
“Why are you not talking with that chic under the tree?”
“Because I’m talking with a mushroom and a bear that are talking back,” I said.
“Aww thanks. I love you, no homo.”
“No what?” I asked confused.
“No homo. It means I love you but not in a sexual homosexual way,” explained Karl.
“But you are a homosexual.”
“I know but I don’t have those kind of feeling toward you Doc. It is actually quite offensive when people think that just because you’re gay that you are attracted to everyone one of the same gender as you." Mushrooms have gender?
“I don’t really care if you’re a homosexual or a heterosexual. I don’t even care if you like me that way or not. I’m just wondering why you felt the need to add no homo.”
“It’s probably because you’re bi-curious Doc and you suppress your true feelings most of the time. Only in this world do you allow yourself to feel or even question these feelings,” Steve says as he finishes the whisky, throws it over his shoulder and pulls out something stronger before putting his arm around my neck, “ You see neither you or I are gay. Karl on the other hand is. Most people are scared of these kind of thoughts and keep them bottled pun? inside and only let it materialize in the form of talking mushrooms and alcoholic bears. But you are not a bear Which reminds me, “ he pulls out another bottle of clear liquid and opens it, taking a swig before continuing, “ Now this doesn’t mean you’re gay and it doesn’t even mean you’re bisexual. It means that you are probably straight but had some gay thoughts.”
“Or it could be the tumor talking,” I said.
“Or it could be the tumor talking,” Steve said downing half the bottle. He turns and says to Karl, “ You should cut that smoking and pill popping shit out man. It makes us stupid.”
“Maybe I would if you weren’t drinking so much. Fine I will quite. I’ll sniff some cocaine instead,” retorted a hotheaded Steve who was actually already engaged in powdering up his nose.
“That’s better,” said Steve. The panda sat down and started a drinking contest with himself trying to finish the bottle in one paw before the bottle in the other.
“I know I should know this but, why do you drink so much Steve?” I asked.
“Because it is called liquid courage and since you don’t seem to be drinking any I must do it for the both of us. How else are you going say hi to that chic under the tree? Hmm? Plus this is making it easier for me to talk. I’m not very sociable. ” Steve said through squinting eyes.
“Oh I have a great idea,” shouted Karl sporting a new white mustache I never knew mushrooms had noses “ we can have Doc go ask that chic over there yonder and see if she knows why he won’t say hi.” I look to where Karl was motioning with his bloodshot eyes. A very pretty girl with long dark hair was lying down against a tall tree with cerulean blue leaves. “Go Doc and bring her over here.”
I walk over to the girl and notice that she is softly singing. Such a beautiful voice, it is hard to believe this was made up. Ever word she sang came out as a golden sparkle of light that began covered her whole body like a warm blanket. “Hi. How are you doing?” She turns to look up at me. “Oh stupid me err ,” I fumble with my words for a second as I realize my mistake, “I didn’t mean “you” me I meant “me” me. I didn’t realize it was me. Sorry about that Gwen.” Gwen was the female embodiment of me or I guess you could call her my inner beauty
“It’s alright. Nobody remembers,” she said softly looking out into the distance.
“Well me and the guys things,” I wave my hand back towards Steve and Karl who were both doing shots of their respected fun fuel, “wanted to see if you would like to come talk with us?” I asked.
“No.”
“Neither do I,” I offer my hand to her and she takes it. Pulling her up I ask, “So why do you sit here alone signing so beautifully to yourself when you should be signing to the world?”
“ That is a question you have to ask yourself. And I don’t mean me.”
“Not even a little clue?”
“Maybe it is because you listen to your friends, again, not sure I would call them my friends more than you listen to me. I guess I’m just scared.”
The both of us return arm in arm to join Steve and Karl. We walk slowly because the ground has a bad habit of going from hard to soft. One moment it was like walking on a grassy knoll and the next it was as if we were traversing a washed out field of mud. It impeded our small trek delaying us much longer than the small distance called for. When we made it back to the two characters, both Steve and Karl were jumping up and down in amazement.
“Holy shit Doc you did it! How? How! How!?” shouted Karl.
“Yeah man that was real slick. I would have never guessed you had it in you but you proved me wrong. I mean damn, look at that beautiful flower,” exclaimed Steve matching Karl’s excitement.
“Tumor,” replied Gwen softly. The two look at Gwen at the same time.
“Oh shit Gwen I didn’t even know you were here. Check this out though,” said Steve as he went back to staring at the flowers that were beginning to bloom everywhere in The Field of Happy Thoughts. True, beautiful flowers had begun to spring up and bloom. All shapes and sizes, not a single flower looked the same. Some were short and slender with fuzzy puffs at the tips of the petals. Others gave off clouds of fragrances that would dance amongst the flowers and settle on neighboring flowers splashing them with colors. Many of the flowers never stuck to one color but rather ebbed and flowed like a stone thrown into the puddle of time. Creating ripples that influenced the moods of those around them. Some actually seem to be giving off light while other seemed to be giving off darkness.
I watch as Karl smells a few and begins to take huge mouth full bites of the flowers. “Ok these taste phe-nom-e-nal! Though I admit they would taste better if they were free,” said Karl.
“How are they not free?” I asked puzzled.
“Do you call a brain tumor free?”
“Well I got the brain tumor for free.”
“And it has been costing you ever since,” Gwen said squeezing tighter on my arm burrowing her head into my shoulder.
“Too much of these and they will probably kill you Doc,” came the voice of Steve who was swiping his paws at some snow like petals floating by his nose.
“Wow Steve that was a really lame joke, even for you,” said Karl.
“Really? This is coming from a talking mushroom who is, quote unquote, “High”. And I’m the lame one?” responded Steve raising what would have been an eyebrow.
“I don’t want to go,” whispered Gwen.
“Ok how about the fact that you named a brain tumor The Field of Happy Thoughts?” asked Karl.
“Screw you Karl. We were on concurrence when I named this place,” responded Steve. Gwen muttered something but I couldn’t hear her. “ And another thing Karl, I love you man no homo.”
“Did you say something Gwen?” I asked.
“You always knew how to soften me up Steve. Come here and give me a hug,” Karl said as he began to bounce toward Steve. “Ok just don’t give me a bear hug,” this caused both to obliterate their lungs with laughter. It would have been funnier if he was an actual bear They doubled over and rolled around on the flowers together laughing their hearts out. I moved my eyes away from them to look at Gwen. But what I saw startled me. Everything on her face was gone except her warm sad eyes. Her face was nothing but milky white skin that was growing lighter as I watched. Her hair was beginning to take the shape of weeds and was starting to look like it could be part of the filed of flowers. I looked at the rest of her body and noticed that she was seemingly evaporating on the spot. “Gwen?”
“Oh don’t worry about her. She’s always doing that. At least I assume. I’m not sure because I don’t talk to her often. She’s . . . not all there!” laughed Steve.
Through tears Karl shouted out through bursts of laughter, “Stop stop, your killing Steve.” This was true though. Steve had taken a huge bite out of Karl’s head and was beginning to bleed.
“Ok I’m beyond buzzed. But BUT,” Steve said chewing on the chunk of Karl’s head, “ at least I’m not full of shit like Karl here. Literally he is full of shit. Look!” he points with one of his paws, the one not holding a bottle.
“Look you over grown teddy bear, that is not shit. It is fairy dust,” countered a defensive Karl as he tried to get up and show a powdery white substance that was inside his head.
“You mean Angel dust,” snipped Steve as he dipped in a claw and licked it.
“Oh yeah,” said Karl his eyes going in and out of focus. “Sorry the blood is mixing with my brain and turning it to mush.”
I looked at the two and was amazed that they were still alive. How many times could they do this before they wouldn’t come back. I remembered that we had wanted to ask Gwen why I won’t say hi to the girl sitting under the tree. I also just realized that I no longer could feel her on my body. I take my eyes away from the panda giving the shroom a huge bear hug when I noticed Gwen was no longer with us. Gwen was nothing more then colored wind by now. Most of her was blown away with the breeze but a bit remained amongst the flowers. Almost as if it was trying to collect itself and reform. That was until Karl began to inhale all of the fumes that were Gwen.
“Oh how I love Gwen. Homo,” said Karl.
I was going to point out that that made no sense when I remembered where I was. By this time I was starting to get a rather bad head ache.“ So you’re saying I should go to the chic under the tree and say hi?”
“Well not exactly Doc,” claimed Steve as he staggered up towards me, “ You can’t be so up front about things of this matter. I say your best bet, if you want to talk to her, is to not talk to her. That way she doesn’t have the option of not talking to you.”
“But that would also mean she wouldn’t have the option of talking to me,” I said countering his drunk logic.
“No. She is already exercising that option to not talk to you. But if you try to talk to her and she still doesn’t talk to you than it is much more damaging,” Steve says.
“ Steve you’re not making any sense. Plus, what if she does talk to me?”
“She won’t,” Steve says with confidence.
“And if she does?”
“Well in this scenario she doesn’t. And that is a huge blow to you.”
“Did you guys say something about blow?” asked Karl.
“ No you drug addict. We were just talking about how she was going to blow Doc away if he tried talking to her,” replied Steve.
“Wow! She’s going to blow him!?”
“No you sick twisted fungus,” shouted Steve, “Blow him away. If he tried talking to the girl under the tree she is just going to blow him away. Or off. Blow him off to get him off. Get him off of her. Get him off by blowing him. . . off,” Steve looked around puzzled, “what were talking about again?”
“Ok how are you going to attack me for making a joke? I know what you meant. It is called a play on words. Remember two things. One, everything I say is under the influence of everything from weed, cocaine, angel dust, shrooms, tumors, and Gwen ect. And two, my whole body is shaped like a penis. Be glad I haven’t made more jokes about it. Like the fact that you took a mouth full of me just a minute ago or the fact that your bottom hurt after you rode me to The Field of Happy Thoughts.”
“ Ok fair enough,” said Steve throwing up his hands and tipping over backwards as he had thrown himself off balance.
“Hey Karl,” I called.
“Yes Doc?”
“Doesn’t that hurt,” I rub my hand over my head in the place where Karl’s head was missing, “it’s bleeding profusely.”
“Oh it hurts like hell. But let me tell you this,” he says to me and just stares. Just stares. Stares.
“Tell me what?”
“What?”
“Tell me what? What were you going to tell me?”
“I’m not sure I follow you Doc.”
“Holy shit my brain is on fire!” shouted Steve as his head was engulfed in flames.
“That was it. Steve’s head will catch on fire. It is not that I don’t feel the pain of having a chunk bitten out of my head it is just that, due to the substances, I really don’t care. Just like alcohol and the cold. You feel the cold but you just don’t really care,” he looks around nervously, “So I’m told.”
“Shouldn’t we help him?” I asked as Steve rolled around catching many of the flowers in the field on fire causing the flowers to call out for help.
“Na. If we help him now, how will he ever learn? Plus after a few seconds the flames will go out and the second affect of eating me will take effect,” described Karl through blood caked lips.
“What effect is that?”
“How shit guys I’m floating,” said a Steve. Sure enough Steve was floating in midair with his paws making motions as if he was swimming. “This has to be like the coolest thing like… ever. More cooler then the coolest cool thing ever. Cooler then drugs.”
“Cooler then alcohol?” asked Karl.
“No. Drugs are not cooler than alcohol.”
“Ok another two things. One, alcohol is a drug by definition. I mean, how is it not a drug? And two, all of that is happening to you is because you ate some drugs. Other words you ate part of me,” said Karl.
“Not exactly Karl,” Steve said as he floated around the our heads doing spins, “I’m in this predicament because of Doc.”
“Why do I hang out with you guys?” I ask Steve.
“I’m not sure Doc, ask Karl,” Steve said and he began doing back flips.
I turn my gaze towards Karl only see him laying face down in a river of blood. “Is he ok?”
“Yeah I’m sure he’s just taking a nap or something.”
“Steve, he looks pretty dead to me.”
“Maybe. But I’m not one to split hairs over something on the rocks and someone who smokes the rock. If he is dead just make us a new talking mushroom or better yet, make us a paper airplane that drops bombs of more paper airplanes. Or we can just wait till he wakes up. What’s this we talk? Wait what’s going on?” Steve’s eyes widen as he begins to float away into the clouds. “This is wicked. Oh by the way Doc,”
“Yes Steve?”
“I can hear what you are thinking whenever you think in Italics. And I just wanted to point out that pandas are in fact bears and not raccoons.”
“No I’m pretty sure they are from the raccoon family.”
“No I really am a bear. I know it has been long thought that I was apart of the raccoon family but recent studies show that I am fact in the bear family.”
“That’s stupid. Science has the bad habit of changing their mind of what something is and what something is not. It sounds money motivated to me. Where did you look this up?”
“Wikipedia.”
“Figures.”
“Regardless of where I found it, the fact remains the same. Pandas are bears just like Pluto is not a planet.”
“Well I choose to believe Pluto is still a planet but you do have a point. I’ll give half. You are half bear.”
“Goodbye Doc, see you really soon I expect.”
“So I’m just going to tell her hi?”

~*~

I stand up. I begin to move when everything begins to change like a time machine that is turned up to full blast towards the future. Everything rushes by me in a blur of what I assumed to be color. Just as quickly as the stream of “color” rushes by me it all stops and it is no longer day but it is night. I looked up and see that the stars are decorating the sky like diamonds in a chocolate chip cookie. I look down at the tree and to my relief saw the girl still reading. I took one step and she closes her book and stands up. As I start to ask why, and with the same blurring speed, she walks away fading into the night like a ghost. “Why?” Maybe they were right. Maybe I should have just said hi.
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Well there you go folks. Note* I had to come back and edit a bit because the story didn't copy exactly when I transfered it over to the blog. The Italics were missing but I think I fixed the problem* I hope you liked it and hoped you have a few thoughts on it. If you have questions, please go to www.powertriostudios.com and ask me on the forums. I will gladly try to answer your questions about this story or of anything you would like to ask. I might post something I had to write afterwords explaining a bit but I don’t know. As I’ve said, I’m not in the best moods and my mentality is pretty torn up and rather distracted. But I will try to update soon with either more thoughts, stories, and or poems. But whatever the case is I hope you all take care and that happiness finds you and your love ones. Thanks for reading.

~Love~